How to Save Your Best Guy Friend From Becoming Whipped

I have a lot of friends. Well, let me rephrase: I know a lot of people who don't want to kill me. Much better. Half of my friends are guys. That's too many. All any guy needs is four male friends. One to pick up ladies. One to drive. One to let you know all the crucial sports information you might have missed. And one to take the blame when things go south. God bless that guy. I'd be doin' solitary in Montreal if it weren't for that fine upstanding gentleman.

Anyway, most of my guy friends at one time or another have had a girlfriend. Except for my weird friend from high school who refuses to do anything about his odor problem, which has just been upgraded from nuisance and is wandering into "FUCKIN' DISASTER" territory. I've seen my friends grow from relationship to relationship, and all too often I see the greatest scourge one can witness of a dear friend: the curse of the whipped.

Every guy is in some way whipped to a point, and will be until they invent a vagina attachment for the PS2. I'm not talking about that. I mean the guy who would lay down in traffic for his woman while she's driving a semi. Here are ten signs your best pal is whipped and needs your help.

Ten Signs Your Best Pal is Whipped

1. The Hip-Attachment

He never goes anywhere without her. Bars. Strip clubs. Bruins games. The urologist. It's a particular problem when she's the only girl, because it completely throws off the whole dynamic of "the guys." You can't get as drunk. The jokes can't be as dirty. And suddenly you realize your guy friends are fuckin' boring without beer and titty humor.

2. The Cash Cow

You ever go somewhere with your friend, and he always feels the need to buy her something. "Oh that reminds me of Sally. Oh I must buy it." You know who this guy is? This is the guy who always "forgets" that it's his turn to buy a round of drafts, cuz he's broke paying for his fiend of a woman.

3. The Moral Affliction

If you ever have the following dialogue with a friend, drive him to the state house and force him to return his testicles, he doesn't deserve them:

"Wow look at the ass on that!"
"Yeah, she is slammin'. I'd tap that shit!"
"Come on guys. Show a little respect."

Show a little respect? Listen, I don't know many things, but let me tell you this. Girls like that, they live for it. Oh, they try to fool you with remarks of "pig" and "slob" and "here's a restraining order." But they love it. Why else do girls wear jeans two sizes too short and six inch heels. Oh, for comfort? Get out of your fantasy world.

4. The PDA

Public displays of affection are the most earnest ways of destroying your friendships with others. If you are surrounded by others, you may not kiss, or even hold hands (what, is she going to fall down?). And please, if one of your friends does something stupid, DO NOT do that thing where you smile and hug each other as if to say, "God, we're so much better than that." That's how killing sprees start.

5. The Possessor

Some guys date girls who don't have names, at least according to them. This occurs when you hear bits of dialogue like this:

"My girlfriend is going bass fishing."
"My girlfriend's been to Paris."
"My girlfriend's rash finally cleared up."

Stop saying "my girlfriend." It's irritating and makes the poor unsuspecting woman sound like your latest novelty item. Not that there's anything wrong with objectifying woman, but when you're using it strictly as a means of self-pleasing, jerking off if you will, it's lame and contrived.

6. The Denial

It's such a grave insult to be called whipped that many guys claim they are not. "I'm not whipped motherfucker, I'LL KILL YOU! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! PLEASE BELIEVE ME! Ahh shit, baby just paged me, if I leave now, I can make it in time to massage her bunyans. AND I'M NOT FUCKING WHIPPED!!!"

7. The Uggo Complex

Now it's one thing to be whipped if your girlfriend is cute. I mean, if you have a nice car, a Ferrari perhaps, you want to keep it happy—oil changes, lube jobs, other auto terms as sexual innuendo metaphors. But if you're driving an '86 shitbox, who gives a shit if you use the Premium? In conclusion, if your bitch isn't better than unleaded, she ain't worth spending the extra time and money on the Plus. (Side note: 7,642 women just left this website after that line.)

8. The Life Changer

The saddest thing I've ever seen was a friend of mine who converted to being a Yankee fan because his girlfriend was. Damn tragedy. Made "Schindler's List" look like an episode of Mr. Bean. You do not change your ideals for a woman. Oh, sure you can change in little ways: start showering, doing laundry, stop trying to molest your dog. But you do not change interests, hobbies, and religions. And yes, the Red Sox are a religion. And Yankee fans are Satanists.

9. The Hoover

It's a terrible thing to lose a friend. But some guys do it to themselves. There are only so many times you can call a guy to come hang out and have him blow you off. Guys do not like getting blown by other guys, unless you're in prison or Maryland. I'm sorry, but Maryland is a really gay state.

10. The Lazarus

Some guys live like the Hoover for a few years, but time goes by and they eventually leave the princess of Darkness, and want to return to the group. Here are the four criteria for allowing a former Hoover back into the Circle.

A) From here on out, the ex will be referred to as "The Beast."
B) He owes everyone a beer for their troubles.
C) He must catch up, by himself, with no help from Sports Nut Guy, on all the information he missed while his dick was imprisoned.
D) He treats everyone to a hooker.

If you know or care about someone who is being whipped, please call 1.800.PUSSY.WHIPPED.BITCH. Because no one should live like that.

**quoted from http://www.pointsincase.com/columns/justin/11-23-03.htm**

Plates to a Relationship

Even though I may not be the best or most reliable person to hear relationship quotes from, cause I am definitely a (excuse the colloquialism) "noob" at this, but I still have my own opinion. This article hear is basically comparing how a relationship (with its many steps and stages) are similar to the stages of achieving one's driver's license. To explain this clearly, I'll use person A and person B as explanatory figures. And here it goes:

Throughout every relationship in the world (in this case, the relationship between a male and female) there are stages that are overcome slowly or quickly in order for the two agents of the event to reach their final conclusion of 'being together'. From this, it is arguable that relationships are similar to that of one's driving life. During someone's driving experience, the stages are (in order): 

- 'Ls' or Learner

- 'Ps' (red) or Red Probation

- 'Ps' (green) or Green Probation

- Full License

The L's

It is not too surprising that there is a learner stage of a relationship, similarly there are learner stages to everything in the world. The learner stage of a relationship is the time when 'A' slowly learns more about 'B', to find out if he/she is definite about their feelings towards 'B'. After the finalisation of this, 'A' will either:

- Tell 'B' about his/her feelings 

OR

- 'B' will eventually find out. 

The awareness of the feelings of 'A' is the first step taken by 'B'. 'B' must also have feelings, and allow 'A' to acknowledge this for the completion of this stage of the relationship, moving to the next stage. 


The Red P's
This stage of the relationship is not too complex. In modern day society terms, this stage is simply known as 'A' and 'B' "see-ing each other". It is like the dipping of the toe into a pool, before jumping in; the sip of the drink before gulping it; the blurb of a book. The "seeing stage" is always shown and acknowledged to be a testing (or literal probation) stage of every relationship. It allows both parties to learn more about the other, and a bit about themselves, to see if they are well suited for each other before the start dating each other, usually a very quick stage (same as the Red P's of driving), sometimes even skipped.


The Green P's
Same as driving, this stage and the "full license" stage are pretty much the same. This stage of the relationship is when the two parties admits for their feelings towards each other, and also believe that they are well suited for each other. In colloquial terms, this is known as 'dating'. The dating level of a relationship is... self explanatory. Everyone knows what this stage is like, and similarly to the Green P's of driving, up until now, it is the level with the longest period of time.


Full License
Full License! The never ending and final stage of every relationship. People wonder what else is there after dating someone, this is simply placed in one word: 'marriage'. The final step that can be taken in the love relationship between two individuals. The marriage of 'A' and 'B' is the biggest jump out of all the stages. This is the final committing and final level of the relationship. It is similar to that of the Green P's stage, except, instead of being called "boyfriend and girlfriend", they are now "husband and wife". The change in names and addition of other factors, like 100% commitment are the only factors that distinguish this stage and that of the previous level. This ending stage is the dream end for every couple in every relationship. But to accomplish their goal, up until this stage is harder done than said. It is due to the fact that there are many factors that may influence the reaching of this stage, and that pairs may not last up until this stage from the start.


Despite the stupidity of this, I just wanted to place the message out, that like driving, relationships are fun, yet requires strict guidelines to maintain and all; but still require step by step processing to be able to reach the final goal. The comparison between licenses and relationships just sounded very similar to me, resulting in this post, enjoy! =)

Theory of Attractionem

'Attractionem' is the Latin term for the common modern day english word 'attraction'. Attraction is typically defined as two individuals (can be objects, people or animals) drawing nearer each other. The definition to accurately explain this theory, is the drawing closer of two people (either one sided or two).

The attraction between two (or more) people is a reoccurring segment of life. This interpersonal attraction can be done due to many reasons. One of these reasons is the one that will be discussed below. Human beings see that the magnetism between each other to be the fault of 'love' or some other humanoid emotion. However, this may not always be true.

The 'Theory of Attractionem' argues that the reason to why one may find another individual to be appealing, is due to their covetous nature. To elaborate, an agent may not find another individual to be desirable no matter how long they have been in contact for; however, the second that they are told that this individual is in fact alluring (from the voice of another), they immediately take this thought into consideration. The considering process of this new concept causes the agent to find this individual suddenly attractive, due to the simple reason of covet and wanting to maintain one's position and status in another's life.

For example:

Ryan was friends with Lucy for a number of years, and he never had any sense of desirability to be in a relationship with Lucy, other than that of pure friendship. Ryan's friend Paul meets Lucy for the first time, and states to Ryan that he finds Lucy 'pretty'. This unlocks a thought in Ryan's mind, and he slowly devours the new idea that Lucy is 'pretty'. Ryan's new idea then leads to him believing that he 'likes' Lucy. 

If noticed, Lucy only became noticeable to Ryan as a 'pretty' figure, after the thought from Paul struck him. This 'realisation' that Ryan has is due to the fact that he covet Lucy in the sense that he does not want Paul to 'take her away' from him. Which in turn allows it to be arguable that Ryan only 'likes' Lucy because he believes that his position with her is being threatened by the newly introduced Paul; and Ryan reacts to do this by modifying his feelings towards Lucy, to be that similar to Paul's and then magnifying it. 

This theory is simply a slight modification of that of Pheme's Theory, with a more precise recognition of emotions, than general ideas. 

Like a Snake

Why this post? It is most definitely different all the other posts I have done, in the sense that this is a more “happy and encouraging” article compared to the rest, which supposedly “discourages” others. Reason behind this, is cause I have no intention of writing posts that are biased in one sense of emotion, and because its just been something I’ve been thinking about since my last post.

Human beings believe in the thought of “wants” and “needs”. “Wants” are the objects or goods that makes life comfortable for humans to live. “Needs” are items or ideas that are essential for humans in order to live normally. Friendship is a need in every human’s life. Some claims that they are able to “alienate” themselves and still be able to live a happy life; however, this is inevitably false. Most of the people who think in this orientation end up having many psychological problems (e.g. stress from not having support to cope with everyday life; distress from being lonely). Simply put, friendship must be present in a person’s life if they were to live healthily and happily.

What is true friendship? True friendship is when you are within a pair or group of people, and everyone in this group shares something in common. This may be anything from the same racial background, similar tastes in fashion, or simply, being in the same class. The purpose of friendship is not only to help people find entertainment in times of boredom (e.g. someone to go watch a movie with, or someone to tell jokes to); but in fact, true friendship is simply the presence of a friend when they need you most. In times of despair or fear, true friends will take a stand and protect or support you, no matter the situation. Those who stand by and let you get hurt are not true friends.

So why is friendship like a snake? Well, this can be discussed by first discussing how a snake works. There are three many sections: the head, body and tail. The snake’s body is designed to be in a state of irreducible complexity (this means that, if one section of the whole figure is missing or malfunctioning, the figure would not function). Similarly, as snakes do not have legs of any type, for them to not have a head, body or tail, it is impossible for them to make any movement at all, despite its efforts. Hence, when there are missing participants within a group causes the full group to have difficult to act “normal”. Of course this only occurs when people are within a group for a long period of time, and suddenly lose one or two members.

Every individual within 2 to a company of friends all have a distinct job, the significance of each person is incomparable by other members of the same pack. The sections are:

- The “head”, or the leader of the faction of people, is the one who makes the decisions. It is practically impossible for the rest of the group to do anything without a leading figure, they would not know what to do. This causes the faction and ‘snake’ to be able to move. The only problem of this is that the leader may become too arrogant and a ‘dictator’ when in charge too much.

- The “tail”, or the supporter of the group, is the one who supports each member of the assembly. This supporter is the more “sensitive” member. They exist in the group to be the one who helps push everyone else forward; they have the knowledge about every single member separately and their needs. They are also the one who reminds the leader to not be too arrogant and become a ‘dictator’.
- The “body”, or the “rest” of the members may not sound important, but are the ‘life of the party’. Without the existence of these members, there will be no leader and no supporter. The centre of the body, the people who make a difference, are none other than this sub-group of the faction.

Therefore, for those who believe that they do not have a place and that they do not matter in their group, they are sadly wrong.

The Nightmare

Unlike my other theory, the Outranking Theory, I don't have all those formalities, but I'll just simply put it out. Here goes...

The Nightmare

The Nightmare is the discussion of an expiry date. This expiry date is not on something tangible, yet something intangible (e.g. Memory, it expires as it gets worse). However, unlike memory, this end does not deteriorate and disperse, in fact it just stays the same, and unchangeable. This concept is about nothing less than the need of every human being, relationships.

The hypothesis of The Nightmare is based around no more than one male and one female. These two start to become friends and interact. Their communication and connection brings forth the potential for them to be everlasting close/best friends. 

But, as humans go, feelings (other than friendship) may unfortunately (in some occasions) develop. As these feelings and emotions develop, one (or in rare cases, both) of the participants (usually the male) want to confront the opposition about their newly developed feelings, and plan to take the relationship "to the next level" (I'm sure you guys know what I mean by that). From this point, only a few things will happen, that is:

1) [If both participants develops the same feeling]

One of the participants will confront the other on their feelings, and as the confronted agent knows of their own emotions towards the confronter, they will begin a relationship. 

(if the relationship lasts or not is dependent on the two people)

But usually its Happily Ever After.

2) [If both participants develops the same feeling]

Same result as the one from above, except the confronted participant does not want to "take the risk" of going to the "next level", causing there to be an awkwardness between the two participants for a period of time, until they slowly forget about the incident.

3) [If both participants develops the same feeling]

Slight chance, hardly ever happens though, that both sides will pretend that nothing is going on and that they don't have feelings for each other. This keeps the opposite end continuously guessing, and usually ends up with both sides forgetting about it, or having the occurrence of 1 or 2 (stated above). 

If there's only one of the participants who develops the feeling, there's only two things that will happen:


4) [If only one participant develops a feeling]

One will be that this person confronts the other with his feelings, and then the whole awkward silence period of time begins, stays like that for a while, and then they pretend like nothing ever happened. And th

5) [If only one participant develops a feeling]

The only other option is that this agent keeps the feeling/emotion to himself and well, stays like that. Of course the female will notice that there's something going on, but both sides pretends nothing ever happened. The funniest thing about this, is that sometimes the female begins to develop feelings when the male has moved on. Such a sad ending to it. 

The expiry date occurs when the male doesn't do anything about asking out the female (which is 3 and 5) or is rejected (as in 2 and 4), so that the "love relationship" doesn't develop, meaning that the friendship develops. This bond continues to grow stronger until the relationship is at the point that they become extremely close/best friends, causing the idea of starting to date to be even riskier, and thus abolishing the thought as it definitely won't work out from this point forward. The reason to the abolishment of the idea of the "love relationship" developing, is because by this point, the two parties have too much knowledge about each other. The more you know about someone, the more flaws you notice about them. This causes a greater deal of courage and ignorance to allow the parties to modify the relationship status; therefore, causing the modification to cease.
The only way for these two to ever have a chance of dating in the future, is if they kind of become distanced for a period of time, and then see each other again and having feelings, allowing the expiry date to be renewed.

Thus, ending the thought of The Nightmare. 

I feel complete sorry for all the males within this situation at the moment (and of course the occasional female). But keep this in mind: all guys have been in the same position as you, or will be in the future. Something inevitable to all males, and to some females. This hypothesis may also be simplified as a "one-way crush" or "two-way crush".

I did not state anything about the exceptions of either person already being in a relationship, but *shrug* it might happen.

**this picture is the basic summary of the feeling of someone within "the Nightmare"